So, in continuation of my attempt to maintain a theme on this blog, I’ve decided to review the Grocery Shopping Process.
Now, everyone needs food to survive, unless you’ve discovered a way to survive without it… (in which case, go see your doctor). Most people get their food from groceries… Me, I tend to veer away from grocery shopping for a few reasons:
1) I hate to cook.
2) I hate carrying heavy bags of stuff (which is also why I don’t do my laundry very often… don’t worry, I have enough clothes to last me a month. Trust me, I’ve tested this theory. Twice).
3) I hate spending money on things I need… Seriously, that’s not fun. Well, sometimes it is. But it isn’t.
So, because I’m having a gathering of people over this weekend, I decided to follow one of my New Year’s Resolutions and cook a bunch of appetizers. And by a bunch, I mean four. Or three. I’m not entirely certain because I seem to have lost the recipes. Don’t worry, I’ll find them before Saturday. I also decided to branch out and prepare a vegan appetizer, a vegetarian appetizer and then stuff I’d like to eat. Because I need to eat (I haven’t found that mystical way to survive without food yet…).
I entered the grocery store (I won’t say which *cough*IGA*cough* because I don’t want to plug in advertisements that I’m not getting paid for and also because I’m not sure if they’ll like my review overly much.) I had a list that was two pages long… don’t worry, it was double spaced. Naturally, I found all of the familiar things first, like apples. Potatoes. Chicken. um… Onions, I know what those are. And, yeah. I think that was about it.
The Vegetable Section
I think I spent a good twenty minutes in just the produce section wandering around, arms folded over the top of my cart, looking for green onions. I found regular onions, red onions, white onions, spanish onions. I even asked one of the other customers – one that looked nice… cuz that’s important when asking strangers for help – and SHE DIDN’T KNOW what a green onion was. So I called my friend and she easily navigated me over to the section with the herbs… or something else that was green… and told me where to look. And she wasn’t even there! (yep, that’s how amazing my friend is. I should do something nice for her).
Green onions, for those who don’t know, don’t look like onions at all.
Next on the list… leeks. To be honest, I should have simplified this for myself and just googled all of the ingredients I didn’t recognize, print out their pictures AND THEN go grocery shopping. But I was being productive (I had laundry in the dryer two blocks away) and didn’t want to waste the time at my computer… because we all know what happens then. So I’m searching the WHOLE STORE for leeks… and I haven’t the faintest idea what they look like. For some reason I thought they were round.
Nope. They’re very not round.
They actually kind of look like green onions on steroids, if I can be completely honest here.
The Bean Isle
After exhausting myself in the produce isle (by the way, I didn’t actually find everything. Yes. This grocery list required TWO visits… because I got frustrated the first time and left with what I had … and also so I could finish my laundry), I branched out. Found the Kraft Dinner, bagels, milk (wait, shit. I forgot to get milk), frozen peas, taco mix… uh… I can’t remember what else, but there was a lot in my cart before I made it to the bean isle where I learned something new (actually, this whole post is about the new things I learned…) – I spent a good 10 minutes staring at the cans of beans looking for refried beans, garbanzo beans, and white beans… 10 minutes people! I read each label carefully (well, not that carefully… you’ll understand why I say that in a second) but I scanned each can at least three times in that ten minutes and couldn’t find refried beans, garbanzo beans or regular old white beans. Finally, fed up, I grabbed a can with a picture of white beans on the label (what? they’re beans. They’re white. I think it works.) and then turned to huff off.. in a huff. And there, behind me with the spaghettios and alphagetti were the refried beans (at least, I hope that’s what they were. They’re going in my dish….. Don’t judge me.).
Then I googled garbanzo beans and you know what. THEY’RE CHICK PEAS!!! (the sounds in my head when I read that were not children friendly I can tell you that much). Because the whole time I was thinking, gee, I’m using this for humus. Aren’t chick peas used for hummus? Well, the recipes calls for garbanzo beans (which I kept pronouncing as garganchuo beans in my head) so I should find garbanzo beans…
To top of this moment of incoherent noises… the label of the can I picked up had, in tiny print under CHICK PEAS “garbanzo beans”.
Not the end of the story by far, but I’ll wrap this up now
In an effort not to be anymore crazy than I am, I’ll just say that I did end up finding everything I needed for the recipes I’ve forgotten… except Pecan pieces. I gave up on those… (My hope is to write a blog about the cooking experience, but I have a feeling I’ll give up half way, go BACK to the grocery store and get frozen appetizers that I can throw in the oven while I laze on my couch).
Now onto the actual review part…. I’ve decided that grocery stores need computers at the end of each isle… or an automated thingamajig that you can talk to (because EVERYONE that worked there was otherwise occupied. Except the nice lady who kindly showed me where the lemon juice was… because I’d walked by it at least five times AFTER asking my amazing friend where to find it… )
Anyways, this computer/automated talking device will be like the search engine of groceries. You just type in what you’re looking for and it’ll tell you what isle… and the things that are near it. AND it’ll show you a goddamn picture, because honestly, I need to SEE what I’m looking for.
Ok, that might just be for me.
Maybe I should patent this idea and sell it to someone for the cost of my groceries for the rest of my life.
Which won’t be much because I only go once every three months. And I usually can’t find anything anyway.